When to Introduce your Kids to a New Boyfriend
In a recent conversation with a few single moms that I’m friends with a huge argument erupted. Strangely, this argument wasn’t about the pros and cons of vaccinations or which private school is the best, but rather about when it’s acceptable to introduce kids to a new boyfriend.
In all honesty, many of our arguments start as discussions but since nearly all of my friends are as strong-willed as I am, they frequently turn into arguments…big ones!
This one was especially interesting to me, though, and not only because I recently started blogging about relationships. You see, I’m adopted. My parents, the ones who adopted and raised me, are wonderful people. I had a wonderful upbringing and always felt loved. It wasn’t until I reached adulthood when I read The Primal Wound did I realize that my adoption had affected me profoundly. How? I have attachment issues. I don’t get close to people very often and I’ve pulled away from every relationship that I’ve ever had – I’m almost positive it has something to do with the, “I’ll leave you before you leave me” mentality that I know I have.
Because of this, I’m extremely careful about who I let into my kids lives. I don’t want them to get attached to someone who isn’t going to be around for very long. My well-meaning friends seem to think that in this regard, I’m a bit overprotective of my children.
For what it’s worth, here’s my opinion (and the reasoning behind it) on when it’s okay to introduce your kids to a new boyfriend.
First, I think it’s important to clarify the difference between introducing and something much more serious, which is allowing and encouraging your children to form a bond with someone new. I think that it’s probably okay to introduce your child to a new boyfriend once you’re sure that he’s not a serial rapist of a career criminal. And when I say introduce, I mean, allow them to meet when he picks you up or planning a “chance meeting” when you’re out with your kids, at which time you introduce them in passing.
Allowing your new boyfriend to form a relationship with your children should only happen when you know that it’s serious. In my mind, this is especially important when you have very young children. Kids can become attached to people very quickly. They may be searching for a male role model, especially if they don’t have a good relationship with their biological father. This means that they may easily get very attached to a new boyfriend…why put them through that if your relationship isn’t serious or you don’t think that it’s going to work out?
It’s a proven fact that kids often feel a divorce is their fault. I’m not aware of any studies about kids and a parent’s new relationship, although I’m pretty sure they’ve been done. But, I’m willing to bet that it will hurt your kids if they are allowed to get very attached to someone you are dating and then that person is removed from their life because of your break-up. I would even guess that kids may think it’s their fault that yet another person has left their life.
One last reason to be careful when introducing your kids to a new boyfriend is your own emotional well-being. Many of my friends admit to staying in their marriage or relationship with their kids father much longer than they should have because of their kids. I know I did, and I would guess if you are a single mom, you did too. We love our kids and we’d do anything for them. Anything often includes staying in relationships are unhealthy and don’t bring us any joy. Avoiding getting your kids involved in a new relationship before you are sure it’s serious makes it easier for you to walk away if things aren’t working out.
I’d love to hear your feedback. What are your thoughts on dating with children? When is it okay to introduce your children to someone your dating? What have your experiences been?
Originally posted 2009-01-17 23:31:06. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
