Telling Family about Your Divorce
You would think that when you get a divorce, the worst part is the end of the marriage. That’s not always so. For many people involved in a divorce, one of the worst things they feel they have to do is to tell their family about the breakdown of their marriage.
I’m divorced, and when I told my parents that I was leaving my husband they were not happy with me. In fact, they were downright mad. I have a pretty large family and only one sister gave me her support at the beginning. In all honesty, that was harder than the leaving itself.
I think that telling your family about your divorce can be difficult because many of us don’t tell our family that something is wrong in the first place. So, when we let them know that the marriage is ending, they are caught completely by surprise. Sometimes their surprise manifests as anger or disbelief and that’s exactly what we don’t need.
Another reason why it’s difficult, especially for women, to tell our family about the end of a marriage is because we feel that we’ve somehow failed. It doesn’t seem to matter if we weren’t the one who wanted the divorce, or if we did everything we could to save the marriage – we still take the blame for it, at least in our own minds. Because of this, we assume that our family is going to blame us too.
No matter what the reason, I know that many dread having to tell those that they care about that their marriage is coming to an end.
If you are in the unfortunate position of having to tell your loved ones about your divorce, I hope the following ideas will help to make it at least a little bit less painful for you.
~ If you and your ex are on decent terms, consider telling your family together. This way you can explain to your family that it’s something that you have both agreed on and feel is best. They still may not like it, but at least they hear it from both of you at one time.
~ If telling your family with your ex is not an option, tell your family on your turf. You’ll likely feel more comfortable in your own environment and more in control of the situation. For me, going back to my parents house always brings back memories of my childhood and in the back of my mind, I always feel like a kid again. Take control of the situation by being in a place where you feel in control.
~ Don’t feel like you have to give your family all the details of your relationship and the reasons for your divorce. If you are close to a member of your family, you may decide to do this, but don’t feel like you have to. Tell them only what you feel comfortable saying. This is a personal decision between you and your spouse and you don’t have to say any more than what you feel comfortable with.
~ Well-meaning family members will try to give you divorce advice. You may not be ready for it right now. If that’s the case, don’t be afraid to tell them. Let them know that you may be willing to talk more later, but right now, you don’t want to.
~ If you have children, be prepared to explain to your family that you’ll be looking out for your children’s best interest during and after your divorce.
While it’s important that you tell your family about your divorce on your own terms, you should also expect that they will likely be very concerned about your well-being. They may also feel sadness. If you were married for some time and they liked your spouse, chances are that they will feel a sense of loss as well. If you have children, the may be concerned that your divorce may affect their ability to see them. People don’t always verbalize their feelings as well as they should, so try to understand that this may be the case with your family.
It’s my hope that your family will be a source of support and comfort for you during the difficult days of your divorce, but if that isn’t the case, make sure that you have someone to talk to – a trust friend, a counselor, a pastor – just make sure you have someone! You need and deserve that.
If you’ve been through a divorce, feel free to share your stories about telling your family. What happened? Would you have done anything different if you had to do it again?
Originally posted 2009-01-20 00:21:28. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
