MY LIL RED DRESS

by Dr. Isabella Santorini

It is part of the popular culture to make fun of how poorly marriages work. If I had a nickel for the number of times I’ve heard people complain about their spouses, I’d be an obscenely wealthy woman. Sometimes comments are made in jest, but usually, they’re tinged with a degree of hopelessness and suffering.

This does not need to be the case. My husband and I have been married for over twelve years. The first several years were difficult. But then, we searched for experts in marriage from which to learn. Since that time, our marriage has flowered into a powerful, harmonious partnership. Today, we’re more in love than ever and we’re enjoying the fruits of our labor in creating a great marriage.

Here are several tips to help you build a happy marriage. I hope they will help you as much as they helped us. Before you go on, here’s a hint about this information: Let it sink in. The things we’ve learned are powerful and become more so the more you work with them. Let them slowly re-train you to think about your marriage differently.

Tip #1 to Build a Happy Marriage: Grow Personally – Weren’t we suppose to be talking about marriage? Yes, we were. But a happy marriage begins with happy people. Many people aren’t happy in their lives and they expect a marriage to make them happy. This is not a healthy expectation. Marriage cannot make an unhappy person happy. It just can’t. And the more we rely on marriage to do that, the more we’ll destroy our marriage with unrealistic expectations.

Each spouse in a marriage needs to take on living a happy life and bringing happiness to the marriage. The best way to do this is to take on growing as a person. I’ve found that usually, one spouse takes this one first, then the other follows. If you’re the one to start the ball rolling in this arena, don’t complain. Someone has to start, it might as well be you. Another time, your spouse will initiate the positive action.

Begin by improving an aspect of your life that is important to you, then go on to whatever is next. Soon, you’ll find that your spouse is inspired to do the same thing.

Tip #2 to Build a Happy Marriage – Realize that You Don’t Need Your Spouse – What? Am I crazy? No. I’m not crazy. You don’t need one another. You already have all that you need. The silly saying of “you complete me” gives off the wrong impression. We’re each complete. Can you imagine what a setup this “you complete me” expectation is for a marriage? This often puts one spouse into the position of neediness and the other spouse in a position of obligation. Powerful marriages are built on something other than the needy/obligated model.

Any strong marriage, that takes on the proportions of true partnership, must go through a phase where each spouse realizes that they are strong people, able of creating a great life for themselves. This puts the marriage into the context of something that we freely choose to do, rather than a net that we’re caught up in. When we realize this, we become more responsible for creating our marriage. When this occurs, we’re generous, forgiving, and compassionate because we choose to be in the relationship.

Tip #3 to Build a Happy Marriage – Be Disciplined About What You Think About – Most of us carry around our worries and concerns so that they are foremost in our minds at all times. When this is the case, days can go by when we don’t even notice our spouse at more than a superficial level. When this happens, people remark that they become roommates with their spouse and they don’t love each other any more. This is not because they really don’t love one another, it is often because they haven’t put any concentrated effort into spending conscious time with each other.

Upon the advice of our marriage expert, my husband and I practiced putting aside our worries of the day each evening when we’d spend time together. At first, this was difficult and we found that there were certain issues that we couldn’t let go of. When this was the case, we’d have to deal with those issues in a timely manner and then, we could go back to really enjoying our time together.

As we got better, it became natural for us to enjoy each other’s company. We made it a point to spend time developing our relationship and creating a strong marriage, rather than relying on simply living in the same house to keep us together.

So you’ve found your guy cheating and after contemplating serious bodily harm, you’ve either decided to stay with him or you’ve left his no-good lying, dirty rotten, behind in the dust, but you’re still upset about the other woman.

If you are like most women, you obsess over her. You wonder if she’s prettier than you, better in bed than you, funnier than you…on and on it goes, a million thoughts constantly invade your brain and no matter what you do, you can’t make them stop.

Just like most women, you probably also think about confronting her. You’ve probably got a thing (or ten!) that you’d like to tell her, and really, who can blame you?

But, even after all the hell that you’ve been through, you still have some common sense left, and a part of you wonders if confronting the other woman is the right thing to do.

There’s a few things that you may want to think about before deciding whether a confrontation is what’s right for you:

1. How is the confrontation going to benefit you? Right now, you’ve got to make your yourself your very top priority. Is talking to this woman going to give you closure? Is it going to make you feel better? Now ask yourself if you’ll still feel better if she won’t answer your questions? Or worse, how will it make you feel if she goes into intimate detail about her relationship with your husband? You can’t control how she reacts to you – so if her reaction, or lack of one, is going to cause you more pain, then a confrontation may not be the best option.

2. Was she a friend? I think that it’s important to remember that, unless the other woman was a friend of yours, she really didn’t have any obligation to you. Your husband, on the other hand, did. A lot of my friends get really mad at the other woman, while letting their husbands almost completely off the hook, making excuses like, “That’s what men do.” What?!?! In my world, men who do that end up on curbs. But, seriously, don’t shift blame from your husband to this other woman. If you are planning on confronting her because you think “it’s all her fault,” it may not be the best thing to do. On the other hand, if she was a friend of yours, then she, too, had an obligation not to sleep with your husband. In that case, a confrontation is almost unavoidable.

3. Is your husband still seeing her? If you are planning a confrontation to get her to stop seeing your husband, it’s probably not a wise idea. Seriously, if your husband is still cheating on you, do you really want him back? If you do, it’s time to think about your motives and to spend some time working on your self-esteem.

I guess I made it sound as if confronting the other woman is never a good idea, and I don’t necessarily think that. There are times when a confrontation may be a good thing. If it’s going to help you in your healing process, then by all means, tell her how her involvement with your husband affected your life. Just don’t set your expectations very high – meaning, she’s not likely to see the situation the same way as you do.

If you’ve decided to confront her, it’s also smart to think about how you’ll do it before you run off and start a fight. Writing a letter or an email may be better than a face-to-face confrontation because it will allow you to say what you want to say without any interruption. Another benefit is that it will allow you to actually think about what you are saying before it all comes flying out of your mouth. If you are anything like me…that’s a serious benefit!

Has your husband cheated on you? Did you know the other woman? Did you confront her? How did it go? We’d love to hear about it!

Originally posted 2009-03-02 22:33:45. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Learn to Say Sorry

I’ll admit it, I hate when I’m wrong. I think that makes me pretty normal. I don’t especially like saying sorry either. Unfortunately, I find myself in the position of having to apologize more often than I’d like to admit. Typically, I sound exactly like my 4-year old when the time comes for my to apologize. If you have kids, you know exactly what I’m talking about!

Seriously, though, knowing how to apologize is an important part of being in a relationship. Sometimes it’s just got to be done.

Before you can learn how to say sorry, you’ve got to be able to admit that you did something wrong in the first place. And that’s where the problem comes in…for me at least. It’s not fun to admit that you’re wrong. For some people, it’s darn near impossible. Here’s a hint for you though, if you are fighting with your boyfriend or husband, chances are that it’s at least partly your fault.

Once you are able to admit to yourself that you did something wrong, you’ve got to make up your mind to apologize. There are two basic ways to say you’re sorry. You can actually say it or you can write it. Which method you decide to use may very well depend on the severity of the argument and your personal feelings about apologizing. For some people, an apology comes easy. For others, like me, it’s a nightmare.

I usually choose the written apology for any wrongdoing greater than forgetting to pick something up from the store or staining his favorite shirt. Writing allows me to think about what I want to say…it also masks that sneer in my voice that always seems to show up right at the time that it’s time to say I’m sorry.

But what about those times when you know that you’ve hurt someone’s feelings, but you really don’t believe that you’ve done anything wrong. For example, you have a disagreement with your boyfriend or husband about finances. During the disagreement, that really ended up to be more like a fight, you said some things that hurt your sweeties feelings. After it’s over, you feel sorry that you hurt his feelings, but you stand by what you said in the first place. How can you apologize when you don’t believe that you’ve done anything wrong?

During situations like these, it’s important to stay true to what you believe. For the sake of your relationship, it’s also important to work things out with your guy. During situations like this, I like to apologize for the pain that I caused without apologizing for the way that I feel.

In the end, sometimes you’ve just got to suck it up and say you’re sorry, even if you don’t want to. Heck, sometimes you have to say it even when you don’t mean it. In a relationship, we aren’t just responsible for our own feelings – we’ve got the feelings of someone else to think about. Learning to say sorry (without sounding like a 4-year old) is going to go a long way in making your relationship a happier one.

Originally posted 2009-02-02 00:19:16. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Marriage & Finance

It’s a well-known fact that marriage & finances cause a lot of problems. Since this whole economic crisis has hit, I can’t help but think that lots more couples are having fights about finances. I know that there has been some stress in my house over money since the seemingly never-ending fall of our economy.

But economic crisis aside, marriage & finances have been an issue for couples, probably since the beginning of time. Part of the problem may be that many couples don’t spend that much time talking about money before they get married. It’s just not one of those things that is at the top of most people’s priority list when they are busy with the business of falling in love. Eventually the knot is tied and all of the sudden you realize that you and your spouse have very different ideas about how to spend (or save) money. One person may be a spender; the other a saver. Or, two spenders get married and then start to fight when the money runs out and the debts start to pile up.

How we feel about money is affected by lots of things and our habits likely started when we were small children. We’re affected, either negatively or positively, by how our parents handled money. We’re probably also affected by lots of other factors, not the least of is our personality.

The good news is that finances don’t have to ruin a marriage, even when you feel like they might. If you and your spouse are in love and are committed to your marriage, you can work out money issues – heck, you can even learn something from each other.

The best advice is to start talking to each other about money. Learn about your spouses past and try to understand what affects that way that he feels about spending or saving. One of the best things that you can do to bring peace to your marriage & finances is to set mutual goals. If you and your spouse can set goals together, the chances of you working together to meet the goal go up exponentially.

Here’s a tip that you probably won’t like, but it’s worth saying…you’ve got to compromise. Even if you are completely right (and you know you are!), you know that compromise is part of marriage. The same is true for marriage & finances. If both parties are willing to give a little, you’ll both end up happier in the long run.

My husband and I recently started going through a book called The Couple’s Guide to Love & Money. I can’t say enough good about this book. We both learned our “money personality” and tons of great ideas that we’ve used to get on the same page, financially speaking. This is a must-read book for any couple that’s having issues about money. It’s also a great book, with tons of worksheets and other information for engaged couples and those who are getting married.

Don’t allow the problems that come with marriage & finances ruin your relationship – it’s really not worth it. Make it a priority to work through your money issues together – your relationship will be stronger in the long run.

Have you and your spouse successfully worked through financial issues together? What worked? What didn’t? We’d love to hear about it!

Originally posted 2009-02-17 22:54:22. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Cheating Husband

I’d compare the pain of learning that your you’ve got a cheating husband to having your arm gnawed off…while you’re awake. Of course, I’ve never had my arm gnawed off. And, come to think of it, I’ve never caught my husband cheating either. But, I’ve sat with enough friends through endless nights of tears and gut-wrenching pain to know that learning about a cheating husband is an extremely painful experience.

After getting over the initial shock of learning that your husband has cheated on you, you’ve got decisions to make. Among them is whether or not you’ll stay in your marriage. I’ve seen friends stay and I’ve actually helped friends leave. Lots of things have affected their decisions, and if you’re in this unfortunate position, there will likely be lots of things that affect your decision as well.

If you’ve got a cheating husband and you are in the process of deciding whether to stay or leave, I hope these tips will help you as you make up your mind.

~ How did you find out that your husband was cheating on you? In my opinion this is pretty important. A husband that comes to you and admits what he’s done scores major points in the “stay” category. A husband that continues to deny his affair even after you’ve found him in bed with his mistress is likely a career cheater and is a big fat liar on top of it all.

~ Is this the first time that your husband has cheated on you? I’d be more likely to forgive my husband if it was a one time mistake. This one speaks for itself. A woman that takes her husband back time after time is only asking to be cheated on. If you end up staying with your husband after he’s cheated on you multiple times, you might as well save your agony and have an open marriage.

~ Is your husband open to marriage counseling? A cheating husband who is willing to do what it takes to work on the marriage stands a far better chance of not cheating again.

~ Can you forgive him? Even if you stay with your husband, you probably won’t be able to forgive him immediately. There’s lots of pain that has to be worked through. However, if you can’t forgive him ever or if you’ll hold his cheating over his head every time you have a problem in your marriage, it’s better for everyone involved if you let go. Your inability to forgive will eventually ruin your marriage.

Whatever you decide to do, do it for the right reasons and do what’s best for you! I’ve had a few friends who have stayed simply because they don’t think that anyone else will ever want them. This is the worst possible reason that you could stay with a cheating husband. I’m afraid that it happens a lot. Please, don’t let it happen to you.

If you’re reading this and you’ve just found out that your husband cheated on you, please, take care of yourself first!

I’m a big fan of books, so you know I’ve got some suggested reading for anyone who find themselves in this unfortunate situation.

My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me: I love this book. It’s written from the perspective of a husband, wife, and their teenage daughter as they move through the aftermath of an affair. The couple who wrote the book decided to stay together, but it’s a great read for anyone who is dealing with an affair.

Infidelity: A Survival Guide: This book is exactly what the name implies – a survival guide for anyone who is dealing with the pain that results from a cheating spouse. The author has the uncanny ability to really understand what you are probably feeling and to provide suggestions to help you move on.

If you’ve been through an affair and came out on the other end, share your experiences. Let us know what’s helped you – hopefully you can help someone else.

Originally posted 2009-02-17 23:42:05. Republished by Blog Post Promoter