MY LIL RED DRESS

Getting a Divorce

Take it from someone who has been through it, there is nothing fun about getting a divorce. Perfectly normal people turn into raving lunatics during the process of ending a marriage…and people who weren’t normal to begin with really go off the deep end. Even the most amicable of divorces often cause hard feelings and anger. I’ve often thought that divorce shows the worst side of humanity.

There are plenty of emotional issues associated with getting a divorce, and I don’t want to make light of those, but it’s important to understand that getting a divorce is akin to breaking up a business. Of course, it’s much worse than that because the “business” that’s coming to an end is not just a financial partnership – it’s an emotional partnership and often a parenting partnership as well.

Unless you have no children and no assets, choosing your divorce lawyer is going to be one of the most important decisions that you make. I have a lot of friends who didn’t want a divorce, so instead of choosing a good attorney, they spent all their time trying to save a marriage that was clearly over. Even after knowing that their ex had retained an attorney and was filing papers, they still focused their energies on “working things out.” Do not be one of these people. Maybe you’ll work things out before the divorce is final and get back together, and that’s great – but don’t make your decisions with that assumption or you’ll be really sorry when you get a grossly unfair settlement because you weren’t prepared.

There’s plenty of advice out there on how to choose your divorce lawyer. In my opinion, the most important thing you can do is to choose someone who you feel comfortable with. It’s also extremely important to select an attorney that has experience with situations like yours. For example, if custody is going to be a big issue, find an attorney who has tried a lot of contested custody cases. Don’t be afraid to ask them how many they’ve won. If you and your spouse owned a business, find an attorney with advanced experience in valuation.

The fact is that when you are getting a divorce, there are plenty of people who will be willing to give you advice about choosing an attorney, but in the end, you’ve really got to follow your gut on this one. You are going to have to work closely with this person for some time so you’ll need to make sure that it’s someone you feel comfortable with.

Another important think to consider when choosing your attorney is communication. I’ve heard more complaints from people going through divorces about not being able to get in touch with their attorney than anything else. Before you sign a retainer with any attorney, make sure that you discuss how you’ll communicate and when you can expect to get responses to your questions and issues.

Once you’ve hired your attorney, don’t be afraid to voice your concerns, if you have them. Remember that your attorney is charging you by the hour..actually, by the portion of an hour, so don’t call for small issues. On the other hand, if you have a legitimate concern or question, make sure that feel able to talk to your attorney about it.

Last, when you are getting a divorce, it’s absolutely key that you are honest with your divorce lawyer about every aspect of your divorce. They can not help you if you aren’t being upfront with them.

If you are in the process of ending a marriage, I know how hard it is for you, and I don’t want to sound callous or mean…it’s just that taking care of your financial well-being is that important.

Check back soon – we’ll talk about the emotional ramifications of divorce in a future post.

For additional reading on divorce, check out the following great books:

The Divorce Organizer & Planner: I used this exact planner during my divorce. If you are a person who likes to write things down, this is a GREAT book. It helps you to get all of your information together and to keep it organized.

Your Divorce Advisor : A Lawyer and a Psychologist GuideYou Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce: This is a wonderful book written by both an attorney and a psychologist and really hits a lot of the legal and emotional issues that you’ll face during the end of your marriage.

Originally posted 2009-01-25 23:19:09. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Regardless of the type of divorce process you choose to use, it is important to identify your marital estate. The marital estate is defined by the South Carolina Equitable Apportionment Statute and generally comprises all assets and debts acquired by either party during the marriage, regardless of title. As you can guess, there are numerous exceptions to this rule, so discuss this issue carefully with your attorney. For starters, however, you should begin to gather the following information, regardless of how it was obtained or who obtained it, as long as it was obtained during the marriage. Gather information on an asset used during the marriage, regardless of when it was obtained.

An example of an “asset” would be your residence, a car, a boat, a valuable piece of artwork, a retirement account, or an investment account. An asset is anything that is worth money! Don’t worry about loans on the assets (such as your mortgage or a car loan), because you will be listing all of these debts separately. The result will be your “net” marital estate.

Here is a brief checklist to help guide you with this process. It is by no means a comprehensive list, so anticipate that your attorney will need more information, but it is a good starting place.

Income/ Assets:

• Income tax returns for the previous five years

• Retirement account statements; one from the date of marriage, one current.

• Estimated valuation of all real estate acquired during the marriage

• Estimated value of the marital residence, if owned

• Statements from current investment accounts

• Statements from college savings accounts for minor children

• Estimated (Blue Book) value of all automobiles

• Itemization of all valuable artwork, jewelry, etc. with estimate of values

• Copies of all trusts

• Copies of all whole life insurance policies or annuities

• Recent statements from whole life and annuity policies

• Copies of all corporate papers; Sub S Corp’s, LLC’s etc.

Debts

• Current credit card statements

• Current mortgage balances (1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc….)

• Automobile loans

• Promissory notes

• Student loans

• Secured loans

• Other debts and obligations (unsecured)

In complicated cases, a financial professional is helpful to assist in establishing the value of the marital estate. In the more straightforward cases, you and your lawyer can establish the values using and Excell or Numbers spreadsheet, or just a pencil and paper!

The bottom line is that you want to identify everything that was obtained during the marriage, or used as marital property during the marriage regardless of how it was obtained.

HOT TIP: You will also want to have this information very well organized for your attorney or financial professional. You pay these people by the hour, so the less time they need to spend organizing your financial matters, the less money you will pay for this service!

Originally posted 2009-01-12 14:07:35. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

You would think that when you get a divorce, the worst part is the end of the marriage. That’s not always so. For many people involved in a divorce, one of the worst things they feel they have to do is to tell their family about the breakdown of their marriage.

I’m divorced, and when I told my parents that I was leaving my husband they were not happy with me. In fact, they were downright mad. I have a pretty large family and only one sister gave me her support at the beginning. In all honesty, that was harder than the leaving itself.

I think that telling your family about your divorce can be difficult because many of us don’t tell our family that something is wrong in the first place. So, when we let them know that the marriage is ending, they are caught completely by surprise. Sometimes their surprise manifests as anger or disbelief and that’s exactly what we don’t need.

Another reason why it’s difficult, especially for women, to tell our family about the end of a marriage is because we feel that we’ve somehow failed. It doesn’t seem to matter if we weren’t the one who wanted the divorce, or if we did everything we could to save the marriage – we still take the blame for it, at least in our own minds. Because of this, we assume that our family is going to blame us too.

No matter what the reason, I know that many dread having to tell those that they care about that their marriage is coming to an end.

If you are in the unfortunate position of having to tell your loved ones about your divorce, I hope the following ideas will help to make it at least a little bit less painful for you.

~ If you and your ex are on decent terms, consider telling your family together. This way you can explain to your family that it’s something that you have both agreed on and feel is best. They still may not like it, but at least they hear it from both of you at one time.

~ If telling your family with your ex is not an option, tell your family on your turf. You’ll likely feel more comfortable in your own environment and more in control of the situation. For me, going back to my parents house always brings back memories of my childhood and in the back of my mind, I always feel like a kid again. Take control of the situation by being in a place where you feel in control.

~ Don’t feel like you have to give your family all the details of your relationship and the reasons for your divorce. If you are close to a member of your family, you may decide to do this, but don’t feel like you have to. Tell them only what you feel comfortable saying. This is a personal decision between you and your spouse and you don’t have to say any more than what you feel comfortable with.

~ Well-meaning family members will try to give you divorce advice. You may not be ready for it right now. If that’s the case, don’t be afraid to tell them. Let them know that you may be willing to talk more later, but right now, you don’t want to.

~ If you have children, be prepared to explain to your family that you’ll be looking out for your children’s best interest during and after your divorce.

While it’s important that you tell your family about your divorce on your own terms, you should also expect that they will likely be very concerned about your well-being. They may also feel sadness. If you were married for some time and they liked your spouse, chances are that they will feel a sense of loss as well. If you have children, the may be concerned that your divorce may affect their ability to see them. People don’t always verbalize their feelings as well as they should, so try to understand that this may be the case with your family.

It’s my hope that your family will be a source of support and comfort for you during the difficult days of your divorce, but if that isn’t the case, make sure that you have someone to talk to – a trust friend, a counselor, a pastor – just make sure you have someone! You need and deserve that.

If you’ve been through a divorce, feel free to share your stories about telling your family. What happened? Would you have done anything different if you had to do it again?

Originally posted 2009-01-20 00:21:28. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Divorce Support Groups

If you are in the process of going through a divorce, I can not stress the importance of a support group enough. There is research that shows that going through a divorce is extremely similar to dealing with the death of a loved one. In my experience, whether or not you are the one who initiated the divorce, you’ll go through a wide range of emotions.

When I went through my divorce, I really did not want to get involved in any kind of divorce support groups. I’m (mostly) a private person and I don’t like to talk to strangers about my personal business. I also thought that needing to talk to others would show weakness…and if there is one thing I’m not, it’s weak!

Once I got over myself, I realized that I needed to at least try it. In my case, I was glad that my marriage was over because it wasn’t healthy for anyone. But I still had a lot of feelings that I really didn’t know what to do with. I felt bad for hurting my ex-husband, I felt bad that I had brought children into the world and was ending up raising them in a broken home, and I felt bad because I knew my parents weren’t happy about my divorce (can you say conservative?)

Divorce support groups provide a safe place for you to talk about your thoughts and feelings with other people who are going through the same thing as you are. The best news is that whatever your circumstance, you can find a group that fits your needs. There are church groups, womens groups, mens groups, groups for those who have been victims of infidelity, etc. Look for the one that fits you and get involved!

If you are completely opposed to the idea of divorce support groups, or you can’t find one in your area that meets your needs, at the very least, consider joining an online support group. It’s not the same as meeting with people face-to-face, but for some people that’s preferable. Joining a group of like-minded people on the internet will allow you to have people to talk to when you are having a hard day and chances are you’ll meet people who are at all stages of the divorce process, so you can get valuable advice from someone who may have been exactly where you are just a few months ago.

The pain of divorce eventually lessens and after being through one myself, I can say that I feel stronger, healthier, and happier than I ever did before. Yes, it took a lot of time. Yes, there were some days that I woke up feeling like I’d been hit by a train. No, it wasn’t the best period of my life. I’m sure it’s not the best time of your life either – find a divorce support group to help you get past it!

If you’re divorced and found assistance through the use of divorce support groups, share your story here. You never know who you might help!

Originally posted 2009-02-03 12:37:51. Republished by Blog Post Promoter